Wednesday, January 28, 2004
A New England Primer
I keep hearing people on TV say that John Kerry is "aloof."
Why? Because he doesn't walk around in a flightsuit and a cowboy hat?
Up here we call that "not acting like a jackass."
Why does the Northeast always have to apologize for who we are? We're Americans. The first Americans. New Englanders were the ones who stood up to King George. New Englanders risked their necks (literally) by tossing the tea into Boston Harbor. New Englanders lowered their muskets and fired at British soldiers when the whole world trembled at the sight of them.
Sorry if we talk too fast; it gets really cold here. We do everything quickly so we can go home. There's a pot of chowder on the stove, and the game is on.
Sorry if we don't mention Jesus every second sentence. Up here you don't talk about religion in public. It's bad manners. And frankly it drives us crazy that some people never shut up about him.
In New England you can live next door to very religious people for years and not know it, unless you eventually notice they're never home on Sunday mornings.
And that's high praise.
A friend once related a conversation she'd had -- and this is a true story -- with a woman in Texas while overseeing an audit at a local company. The woman had fake breasts, fake lips, a nose job, and dyed blonde hair -- a real natural beauty -- and talked openly, and endlessly, about Jesus, morality, and the fact that she'd just got married for the 5th time.
Do you know what "got married for the 5th time" sounds like to a New Englander? Good grief, they only legalized divorce in Ireland a few years ago, and they're five hours ahead of us. Around here you have to retire, move to Florida, and wait for your spouse to pass away on the golf course before you marry again.
And you'd never in a million years discuss Jesus, morality, or your four former marriages with the internal auditor who'd come from the corporate office to check your books.
On "60 Minutes" last week Ed Bradley tried to get John Kerry to describe how he got his Silver Star. Of course, Kerry did not. He never would, and those of us watching here could have told Bradley that and saved him the trouble of asking. Our own father told us he'd never been near combat in the South Pacific. Only years later did we learn from an uncle that it wasn't true.
John Kerry is a New Englander. We're taught never to talk about religion, money, or politics in public. He obviously can't avoid talking about politics, but I wouldn't expect to hear too much about religion, money, or how he got his medals. That's just the way it is here.
But ask yourself this and be honest: if you were in combat, and in trouble, who would you want to be there to bail you out: Lt. George W. Bush or Lt. John Kerry?
Why? Because he doesn't walk around in a flightsuit and a cowboy hat?
Up here we call that "not acting like a jackass."
Why does the Northeast always have to apologize for who we are? We're Americans. The first Americans. New Englanders were the ones who stood up to King George. New Englanders risked their necks (literally) by tossing the tea into Boston Harbor. New Englanders lowered their muskets and fired at British soldiers when the whole world trembled at the sight of them.
Sorry if we talk too fast; it gets really cold here. We do everything quickly so we can go home. There's a pot of chowder on the stove, and the game is on.
Sorry if we don't mention Jesus every second sentence. Up here you don't talk about religion in public. It's bad manners. And frankly it drives us crazy that some people never shut up about him.
In New England you can live next door to very religious people for years and not know it, unless you eventually notice they're never home on Sunday mornings.
And that's high praise.
A friend once related a conversation she'd had -- and this is a true story -- with a woman in Texas while overseeing an audit at a local company. The woman had fake breasts, fake lips, a nose job, and dyed blonde hair -- a real natural beauty -- and talked openly, and endlessly, about Jesus, morality, and the fact that she'd just got married for the 5th time.
Do you know what "got married for the 5th time" sounds like to a New Englander? Good grief, they only legalized divorce in Ireland a few years ago, and they're five hours ahead of us. Around here you have to retire, move to Florida, and wait for your spouse to pass away on the golf course before you marry again.
And you'd never in a million years discuss Jesus, morality, or your four former marriages with the internal auditor who'd come from the corporate office to check your books.
On "60 Minutes" last week Ed Bradley tried to get John Kerry to describe how he got his Silver Star. Of course, Kerry did not. He never would, and those of us watching here could have told Bradley that and saved him the trouble of asking. Our own father told us he'd never been near combat in the South Pacific. Only years later did we learn from an uncle that it wasn't true.
John Kerry is a New Englander. We're taught never to talk about religion, money, or politics in public. He obviously can't avoid talking about politics, but I wouldn't expect to hear too much about religion, money, or how he got his medals. That's just the way it is here.
But ask yourself this and be honest: if you were in combat, and in trouble, who would you want to be there to bail you out: Lt. George W. Bush or Lt. John Kerry?
